During my anatomy ultrasound we were given the choice to terminate my pregnancy since our baby barely has any amniotic fluid or continue the pregnancy knowing there is a high chance of giving birth to a stillborn. I was told my child could have spina bifida or the kidneys are not developed properly which can cause amniotic fluid to not develop. There are other things that could explain why I loss amniotic fluid, maybe I had a tear/rupture in the sack or issues with the placenta. I was told for NY State, I am able to abort the child until I am 24 weeks and I do not have much time to decide whether to carry the pregnancy or terminate. After 24 weeks of pregnancy, you are not allowed to terminate. I had no intention of ending my pregnancy. I could not or would not be able to make such a decision. The doctors have advised my husband and I to do further genetic testing and suggested an amniocentesis.
The doctors have suggested an amniocentesis test to see if there are any genetic defects to our unborn baby, there is a small risk of miscarriage. Even deciding to do an amniocentesis test was a very difficult decision for me emotionally. I felt a pressure between my marriage and my child because my husband was reactive when we heard the bad news. He wanted to take the doctor’s recommendations and terminate without thinking about the possibility that our baby will survive and may be genetically alright. My partner is more on the practical level and there is nothing wrong for him wanting to terminate, I do hear him but as the person carrying the baby, our decision towards this situation we’re on opposite polls of a the spectrum. Yes, pregnancy can make us emotional, however, I am not strong enough to end my child’s life. Of course I didn’t want to see my child suffer but I have a strong belief for miracles. So I prayed and prayed, I decided to do an amniocentesis test for multiple reasons. I left it in the hands of the Lord to protect my baby and allow my pregnancy to go as much as it can. Although there is a small chance of losing the pregnancy, I went along with doing the test in hopes of learning new information.
During the 20 week anatomy scan, you learn the gender of the baby. I wished not to know my baby’s gender because I wanted to be surprised during the delivery. However, since I may not get to a happy place, hubby and I were both eager to learn the gender. At the end of 20 weeks, I completed my amniocentesis test, I’ll write the details on the procedure if people would like to know more. Let’s just say I am a very screamish individual who avoids pain as much as possible, however, a baby will give you the strength to overcome whatever it is you need to do for the baby’s wellbeing.
The following week, I went to see my regular OBGYN to discuss the updates on the pregnancy and situations. My male OBGYN was very comforting along with my fertility specialist, they tried to keep me hopeful as I tried my best to remain hopeful. My high risk doctor who is now taking on my case since we are in deep waters called me to give me an update on my genetic tests along with my Angel’s gender!
I am having a boy! A beautiful baby boy, Amir Rahman. Amir is a Warrior, the amniocentesis test takes fluid from my amniotic sac, I didn’t realize how much would be taken until after the procedure. This is hard to deal with because if he already has little fluid, taking more from him is depriving him of nutrients. I kept drinking and drinking in hopes the fluid would rise and it did not. When I went to see my regular OBGYN, he had me listen to Amir’s heartbeat. My baby boys heartbeat sounded so strong and fast. It gave me some hope. My next follow up is the first day of my 22 week on a Monday, March 26, 2018. I will be seeing the high risk doctor and checking up to see if the water levels improved.
I remember the Friday, Saturday, and Sunday prior to the appointment. The Lord has ways of preparing you for the worse and sending dreams of comfort/readiness. I don’t know how but I know it wasn’t just me, I felt the Lord prepared me to handle everything that was happening and will happen. With the grace of the Lord, I began to feel the loss. I remember the weekend feeling very upset and full of anger in my body as if Amir was gone already. I started to feel less and less movement from him. When your fluid is low, it’s hard to feel the baby’s movement because there is limited fluid for the movement. Prior to the appointment, I had a sense of urgency to do two things, talk to hubby about the worse case scenario and pack a set of clothing. I remember telling hubby, “Tanvir, I don’t think our baby has a heart beat, I need you to prepare just in case.” My heart felt so heavy even uttering those words and as a wife it’s my duty to protect Tanvir to my best ability. I didn’t prepare a set of clothing because I didn’t want to lose hope even when my gut told me otherwise.
My Warrior became my Angel on March 26, 2018 at 22 weeks, Amir no longer has a heart beat. The screen looked different, there was no flickering of a heart beat on the screen. The sonographer then called the high risk doctor even though we already knew what happened. My high risk doctor confirmed my worse nightmare, of course I balled even though I already knew. I am not a hysteric crier although on this situation it would make sense, I still had the let’s do business, what happens now mode going through my head and actions. The Lord continued to give me the strength to be strong and make big girl decisions. I was induced for labor and delivery to my request, and delivered Amir at midnight on March 27, 2018. I will honor my Warrior because he fought so hard to come in this earth and the Lord decided he was meant to be bigger and serve as an Angel above.
In a Blink 