The Lord is testing my patience and preservations. I had difficulty dealing with losing Amir for sometime, however, what helped my time go and look forward to my future was accepting he was gone and working everyday on being present and allowing myself to feel the emotions that came with loss. It was not always easy, any time I had to myself would be surrounded by thinking of him. There were times I was able to put my thoughts about Amir to the side by focusing on my career, being surrounded by good friends, and acknowledging that yes I am upset I wasn’t able to spend time with Amir and one day I will be reunited with him. I have a choice to keep myself happy and wanted to live a life of happiness and hope. I think it helps being in a helping profession. As a Social Worker, I am often put in a place to bring hope to others for all sorts of situations and yes this is a type of trauma to go through, I used the skills I taught to my patients, friends, and family for myself. You have to do what you preach, that’s always been my model. Writing has helped me deal with my emotions, along with exercising or even going away for the weekend to take a break. I have learned to be easy on myself and accept we can’t be in control all of the time and that’s okay. Emotions will come and go, when they come, accept and acknowledge them and remember this time will pass. Carry-on and focus on something that will bring joy or bring you peace, be present with whatever activity you are doing so you do a good/decent job.
Some days the grief will be stronger and they will get easier once you are aware of those situations. I have been very fortunate to have family and friends who are kind or know about my son and they do not bother me about pregnancy. I love it when people use my child’s name when they speak to me or treat me like I am indeed a mother. It’s hard to know when it’s okay to speak about Amir because it does make some people uncomfortable. So at times, I speak about him to those who knew him and acknowledge him. It does hurt or pain when you have to conceal your child, as a professional there are different reasons to keep him private due to the setting I am in. Whenever I do try to conceal Amir, it hurts a little and I manage it. Mother’s day isn’t celebrated the same when you’re a mother to angels versus having a live child. So many people will not acknowledge you as a mother, I still a delivered a baby and had to go through the 4-6 weeks of postpartum recovery and this maybe too much information, but I had to wait for my breast milk to dry up along with enduring the cramps of my uterus to go back to normal. Yes, with delivering a small baby I didn’t have to go through stitches or having to push a big baby out, so I guess recovery is physically easier for me. With Amir, I had an epidural and wanted to take whatever pain medication was allowed because I knew my baby was being taken away from me. If he’s going to be taken from me, why should I be in pain? I remember asking for strong pain relievers so I wouldn’t have to be reminded of what I just went through and sleep through the pain (both emotional and physical).
There is still plenty of work for me to work on. I am healing from Amir’s loss or pretty much healed from Amir’s loss. I made a promise to not have a child or work towards conceiving until I reached the one year anniversary of his loss. To my surprise, after his 1 year anniversary of departing from the world, I actually felt uplifted and I felt the feelings to want to try to conceive, I think that feeling was sent from him. I had a bunch of emotions during his loss, grief took over and then came the ease. Emotions are waves, they will come in like strong currents and will calm down with the time. Remember this, when you have periods of negative emotions, keep in mind the waves of emotions will become steady and you’ll learn to ride the waves like a surfer, its okay to get knocked by the waves at first then you’ll learn to stay afloat.
I did conceive again after Amir. I wish I can tell you I had my rainbow baby (a live baby after a miscarriage/losses) but it didn’t quite happen that way. Aliya Duniyah Rahman was conceived sometime in July of 2019 and unfortunately due to an incompetent cervix she was born too early, 21 weeks and 5 days and was unable to be saved due to not reaching the viable age of 24 weeks. She was the live child with a heartbeat, but nothing can be done for my micropremie. This loss is still very raw. I am still in denial/shock and haven’t really accepted my reality. The Lord kept my sanity and reason through this loss, however, I am not sure what will happen once the gravity of my loss sinks in. I am numb and I guess that’s the best way to be. There aren’t much words for me to say. My heart physically aches for this loss, I will seek the guidance of whoever to ensure I am able to manage my life in a healthy way. Right now, I am allowing my body to complete post-partum. Once I am done with this stage, I will monitor my energy levels and will seek help if needed if I am getting too depressed. I will monitor my fatigue.
This loss is different from Amir’s loss, the Islamic lectures are helping me. I am Muslim and since my babies were in the second trimester, it is said they will be fighting for me and their dad to join them in heaven. I am making peace with the idea my afterlife with my 2 children is being built. It’s not easy to accept what has happened to me, however, when there is no choice, you have to make peace with the trials the Lord has given you and with that I am working towards my peace. So Dear Lord, please be easy on me and allow me, Tanvir, and the family to have some peace of mind.
In a Blink 