A little over a month has passed since I lost Aliya. There are so many things that are still painful for me to go over when it comes to my pregnancy journey with Aliya. It was no where near an easy pregnancy with complications due to my history of losing Amir and the other miscarriages. I had to take multiple precautions during the pregnancy in hopes of keeping Aliya full-term which included staying on bed rest for the first 3 months and taking hormone pills such as progesterone, along with taking a blood thinner injection every single day in my belly as a preventive measure in order to keep my blood flowing nicely. The interesting thing is, medically, there was nothing in my blood that suggested a clotting issue, however, since I had multiple miscarriages it was the most logical thing to do. The high risk doctor and Maternal Fetal Medicine (MFM) doctors told me people who have multiple pregnancy losses is usually due to a clotting factor and not all blood test can determine where the issue is coming from. That’s kind of fascinating, medical science does not always have the answer to all of our issues. If you can understand this idea/concept, it can help you heal as I am. Sometimes with pregnancy losses or even a health related issue, the reason why is not always determined. I learned this the hard way and accepted sometimes there is no answer during Amir’s time. My heart told me Amir was a normal baby with no genetic or issues and I had the lightbulb moment that I may not even have a reason why, I accepted this before the doctors went over my results.
There’s more to the pregnancy journey with Aliya, I was diagnosed with early gestational diabetes, so even though I tried my best to control my sugar with diet, I ended having to take Glyburide in order to manage the sugars along with poking my fingers 4 times a day. I kept my sugars well controlled after the medication. I pretty much made up my mind that this will be my last pregnancy whether this baby comes into this world or not because taking these medications and precautions were difficult. I am not a “strong woman”, everything I did and tried was for the sake of my baby. A baby even during pregnancy will give you the strength to do anything and everything to keep this baby going and for me to make sure I properly put my babies to rest, religiously. Bedtimes during my injections were difficult for me, I bruised everywhere, I teared some days cause it would burn or the site of being poked would hurt. My tears were more from the fear of the needle, Tanvir administered the shots because I was too much of a chicken to poke myself. To the woman and the people on Lovenox injections, May the Lord continue to bless you and bring you ease throughout your journey. There are so many brave people that administer shots on their own, that’s amazing. I only gathered the courage to give my shots on my thighs towards the end of the pregnancy and that was for a very silly reason. I was emotional and got into something with Tanvir (nothing big or serious, remember I’m pregnant with extra hormones in my body!), I administered my shots in spite because he was taking too long to come home and I wanted to show him I didn’t need him. That day broke my fear a little of giving my injections but only on my upper thigh, I still couldn’t do my belly and cringed. I am a big baby, you would think it would get easier with time and it didn’t. Some days were scarier than others and the site of injections would burn more than others.
My journey with Aliya’s pregnancy has been traumatic, I think I am still comprehending this trauma. I don’t look bad and I am able to carry myself well and live in the present. My body and mind will not allow me to experience the trauma so much to my heart. I don’t know how to explain it, sometimes I’m in denial about what has happened or it feels like its been so long since Aliya and my pregnancy has left me. I don’t know who or how I am emotionally. I know who I am personality wise, some days I am just plain ole me, other days I feel like an empty vessel living in this world, staying numb. Some days I stay to myself because being around others can be difficult or being around too many people can be too much for me. Other times, I want to be around my love ones.
I am overall the same person that I was, but now a days there is something great about just being alone and wanting to be alone. I am aware that its not good for me to be in complete solitude and I am blessed I have my family, friends, and a husband who checks up on me and will call me multiple times to ensure I’m okay. So from time to time, I keep myself busy and active by spending time with my family, some close friends, and hubby. I need self me time too. When I’m with others, I forget about what has happened to me and what’s going on around me, I keep my emotions and feelings deep down so I don’t have to be such a mess, so it’s when I am alone I can reflect and feel all that I have done for the day or the emotions I kept/keep to myself.
We went on vacation recently to Juan Dolio, Dominican Republic. It was absolutely beautiful and a real escape, it truly felt like a dream. I was on the beach and in the water for most of my time. It’s been 4 weeks postpartum since I lost Aliya. My stomach ached from the swimming and I probably shouldn’t have been in water since recovery is still 4-6 weeks, but I took my chances and will deal with the consequences if they come later. Being in the water and the sun felt so good for my soul. It was my first real vacation since my first miscarriage in 2016. We did go to Bangladesh from Dec. 2016- January 2017, however, that was a different type of vacation. All these years, I craved to go on vacation and enjoy the sun, it wasn’t possible with baby trying and life changes. The pregnancy journey for years have taken so much from me and it would have all been worth it if I had my baby in my hands. I still don’t have my babies to hold and see them grow up. I am a different type of mother, I am a mother to 2 Angels, Amir and Aliya, a boy and a girl, both taken from me too soon. The trip, although I enjoyed my time was also a reminder I am able to go on this trip due to the loss. It’s sad and a thought came to mind, “is this my life?” My childless life will allow me to go and see the world, this is what we as a couple are destined to do? It can seem great and I am grateful, but I want my babies in this world.
Long story short, I thought I would stop wanting or trying to have a baby after Aliya’s pregnancy. It was my 5th pregnancy!!! However, after losing Aliya, I would do everything I did all over again if it means to have a baby come into this world and be healthy and well. I want to be pregnant still and miss having my baby in my womb. I miss carrying and planning everything I was planning when she would be in this world which includes thinking of day cares, work, and parenthood. Of course I’m not ready and will not rush into getting pregnant, I am actually so scared and I know its justifiable, especially going through delivery issues with Aliya which I can’t talk about. That trauma is still fresh and it’s too much for me to write at the moment. I told a few close friends and family about it.
There is so much we don’t want that happens and at the end of day we can make our plans and the Lord has a different path. I am not bitter about what happened to me, due to losing Amir, my spiritually has grown so much. I have understood due to my trauma that children that have made it to this world are all gifts and destined to come to this world. Allah (Lord, God) decides who will be a parent and who will not. Each of our journey’s are different and although I don’t understand what and why this has happened to me, I am accepting I was meant to go through this. I can’t breakdown and just fall apart, what good would come out of that? I had bad days and will have plenty more which I am certain of. InshAllah (God Willing), there will be peace in my life filled with love and ease, I pray Tanvir stays well and finds his peace. Alhumdulilah (Thank God), Allah has blessed me with an amazing partner who has been supportive and caring through all of this. I wish Tanvir and the family didn’t have to go through these losses and this sadness with me. I want to see my family be whole and well, its through seeing their ease that provides me with ease and peace. I know its two-fold, they want to see I am doing well and they will be at peace. I am fine for most of the time in their presence and some days are better than others.
You know its just so crazy, most people would love a boy and a girl, which I have. My babies are not in this world, their InshAllah, waiting for me in Jannat (Heaven). I have a boy and girl, the best of both worlds. Aliya’s loss is not the same as Amir’s loss. They are two different pregnancies and the feelings for them are different. Amir was my Warrior, and Aliya’s loss still leaves me without words. I wrote many things on here, however, I can’t write in words Aliya’s loss. I am not there. I don’t know when I’ll be there or if I’ll be there.
In a Blink 