These days my emotions are a roller coaster. Some days are definitely easier than others and that’s all part of life. We had a few losses this year. Tanvir’s mother passed away on January 15,2021, till this day it has been difficult to accept that she’s gone. Allah’s been testing Tanvir and I. It’s hard to have happy days when I feel I’m reminded of all the sadness we’ve gone through. For the first time in a few years I’m unable to work on conceiving and learned new medical issues that will make it difficult to work on conceiving. I really thought Aliya was going to be my last pregnancy, but if Allah was able to give me at least a live birth maybe he will grant me a baby that I can hold and raise in this world. So I will try one last time, I think mentally I’m only capable of going through this one more time. I’m emotionally drained and I’ve been broken down beyond my comfort level. These days I am back to living life a day at a time. I go through cycles when my depression and a little bit of anxiety gets a hold of me. I require a lot more alone time and that’s okay, sometimes you get so use to being alone that there is comfort in it. It’s a cycle, other times I just want to have fun and take back the life I once had. These days I reflect on the person I once was- the lady that was once able to handle the world by working out, dressing cute, spending time with loved ones. My lenses are not the same but when I have that energy or get the feeling I’m going to embrace it.
My life is at a standstill, when I think of having fun Allah gives us bad news. For example, was it necessary when Tanvir and I decided we were actually going to celebrate our years of love by celebrating our anniversary, Allah decided to get Amma sick and then he took my sweet mother in law! This was another set back and I’ll explain why. She was a motivator and encouraged me to be better. She was a woman that was a builder of other women. She was a layer of protection that is now taken from us. The peace of mind is well maybe Allah wanted her to be with her grandchildren and reunite with Abba. My heart just goes more out to Tanvir. My sweet husband who has to keep enduring loss.
Life doesn’t seem fair at times, but I’ll tell you this, I may sound ungrateful but I acknowledge and am grateful for all that I have. Allah has blessed me with so much but I wanted to be a mom. This year was hard for me cause due to the traumas of pregnancy or being pregnant I lost track of time. I was reminded Amir turned 3 years old and I was so sad because it didn’t get easier for him to not be with me. I wondered how he would look and what would be the crazy things he would say to me. This stuff can eat you up and sometimes it does, like the high wave that knocks you down and now I’m back up and ready to go swimming again.
I am working on not beating myself up and working on having happy days. I did feel hopeless at one time but things are better. I’ll allow myself to gain the weight I need to get through this emotionally then go back on working on losing the weight to be where I need to get the okay to try to conceive again.
In a Blink 