Grief still comes with its highs and lows. We are starting the fertility journey again. This journey opens up too many wounds. As my emotions stir, I still try to remind myself why I’m going through this. I still want a child in this world to love unconditionally and spoil. I also want them to be a good human. A child is a gift from Allah and not everyone is granted that gift.
I miss both Amir and Aliya. I can’t believe I haven’t gone to visit my children in such a long time. I think we last went to see them was with my parents when we got to make some new touches to their gravesite. As I embark on the fertility journey, my heart and soul wishes to see them before I’m unable to travel and before I welcome the new child. I am not expecting, but InshAllah soon.
This Ramadan was a really good one. I didn’t envision I would be praying let alone fasting. I was feeling a little shaky when it first started. I was worried I didn’t have the will or strength to keep them. But a heavy thought kept me strong in fasting and prayer and that was, “If I want a child then I have to be the one to pray to Allah and seek the blessing.” It’s easy to say, hey keep me in your prayers but am I putting in the work? This past Ramadan it was a beautiful soulful time, I was able to understand why people say they wished everyday was Ramadan. I felt that way towards the end.
I have some really good friends and well wishers that I do know keep both Tanvir and I in their prayers to have a family, Alhamdulilah. Thank you to our well wishes from the bottom of my heart. Maybe it was your prayers that kept me strong instead of losing my sanity. Who knows? You never know what dua and who’s dua keeps you safe and well.
Eid and July is around the corner and these days as I start the fertility journey again, I am triggered with missing my babies and insecurities. I gained all the weight I loss, we had a early miscarriage in November again which sucks but it’s better for it to be early than late. I’ve learned it takes me 6 months to heal from a early miscarriage emotionally and physically. This time I can’t wait to give myself another 2 years to get I shape and to try. I’m getting older and I guess it’s time to be strong and give the journey ago. Also, I want to be a mom that gets to hold and love her child. InshAllah with the grace of Allah we can have a successful full term pregnancy where the baby and I are both healthy and well.
Pregnancy is so scary for both the mother and child, so many things can happen. Be easy with people.
Eid Mubarak Amir and Aliya, I love you both with all my heart and soul. I can’t deny you guys even though years are passing. A mother’s love never dies. Some people are stronger than others and parents that deal with miscarriages and stillbirths, it can be hard to answer the question do you have kids? So many mixed feelings come up especially if I’m deciding what I feel comfortable with saying.
Take care everyone, May Allah give sabr and peace of mind to anyone grieving .
In a Blink 