For my 36th Birthday, I am working on healing and it’s a time of transitions. Tanvir and I will make InshAllah (God Willing) 11 years this December 31, 2024. We have been trying to have a baby since 2016. From 2016 to 2024, I have spent almost a full 8 years trying to become a mom in this world. All of my decisions have revolved around having a baby. Alhamdulillah (Thank God) for all Allah has given me. I may not get to be a mom in this world, but InshAllah I will be united with my beautiful Angels above, Amir & Aliya. After multiple pregnancy losses, I finally decided to accept my fate which is maybe I was not suppose to be a mommy in this world. Accepting my fate has left me lost for sometime and not knowing what the future will look like. It’s kind of like dating or looking for that life partner; the work, time, and the starting over with a new person and the sadness that comes when things don’t work out. It’s been a roller coaster of getting excited whenever I’m pregnant only for it to end and then needing to start from scratch.
What was my pregnancy journey, well if you read this blog it’s been grief over pregnancy losses, 6 natural miscarriages. Out of the all the miscarriages, 2 of them I will consider my babies which is Amir and Aliya. They had heartbeats, the rest fall under chemical pregnancies and I never got to see their heartbeat. My last try at this fertility/infertility journey was doing IVF treatments. I started the IVF journey back in August of 2022 originally, but got pregnant with a chemical pregnancy in November of 2022. November 2022, I tested positive for everything. I also needed to take a booster injection for some immunization stuff that the fertility clinic reported I was low on and will need the booster so I am healthy for pregnancy. When you take that initial booster, the Primary Care Provider wanted me to take a little bit of a break before trying to conceive. For some odd reason, I didn’t think I would get pregnant or was pregnant at the time when I had both COVID and took the booster shot. The November 2022 pregnancy was not a viable pregnancy due to the embryo not dividing the way it needed to be successful.
The Lord gives strength when you least expect it and for some reason my brain did not think the worse. My physical body and emotional mind felt like crap. Since I am a pro at losing pregnancies by this time or I have experience with pregnancy losses, I was able to rationalize losses . Before my precious little Amir, I had 3 chemical pregnancies back to back. So after Aliya, Allah gave me the grace of understanding that yeah I can have a chemical pregnancy, so it’s okay if the pregnancy after Aliya isn’t a full pregnancy. Although, I can rationalize the chemical pregnancy, it doesn’t take away the excitement and the hope I had unconditionally thinking this was going to be it and I am getting closer to being a mommy. I have asked Allah that if he isn’t going to give me a healthy full term pregnancy then please do not give me a pregnancy loss after first trimester.
My mind, body, emotions can no longer take to bury a child. It feels like my soul has had enough and it definitely has. Sometimes the aches feel more than the physical emotional body, it feels higher like my soul saying enough is enough.
IVF warriors and the community are some amazing women, I am so happy to have met a great support group and learn so much from their trials. However, although I didn’t do many IVF cycles, it was enough for me. Too much sadness and up and downs that I can no longer maintain myself. I can’t keep going through losses. I had 2 egg retrievals and my first egg retrieval was very sad and traumatic. It actually made me realize there is a chance I will not get to be a mommy in this lifetime. All this time of trying to have a baby, I just thought it was going to happen, I didn’t think it wasn’t going to happen. That’s what makes it so traumatic that OMG, there really is a chance I will not get to have a child in this world. I did something called gentle IVF, its when they don’t give you so much drugs to make your ovaries go in overdrive and for you to release a bunch of eggs instead concentrate to have quality eggs. In the fertility world, just having so many eggs in a cycle doesn’t mean it’s good quality. I think I had 9 eggs that were ready to be fertilized, 7 fertilized and became embryos, and then 5 were pending genetic testing that required them to be 5 days old and make it to blastocyst. Unfortunately, none of the embryos made it and they had to be tossed out.
When the embryos did not make it for the 5 day PGT (genetic testing), it sucked but I remember just being happy that it wasn’t 5 miscarriages even though I was bummed. I didn’t want to go through any more miscarriages. The point of Tanvir and I going for genetic testing of the embryos was to decrease my chance of having miscarriages. We can make plans and do our best to be proactive, at the end of the day it’s all in Allah‘s (Lord’s) hands. By the way, we should try to work on getting the things we want, when you give up on your dream you end the dream. For me, it’s about having, finding, and maintaining peace. This body has gone through so much and it’s to the point my bones sometimes ache. I don’t have the fight to keep making this body go through the pregnancy trials and tribulations. A pregnancy for me is very high risk and it requires so much more than what a normal pregnancy looks like.
The second egg retrieval I only had 3 mature eggs and this was after I did a procedure called PRP. PRP basically takes your plasma and putting it in your ovaries to stimulate your eggs to both produce eggs along with getting healthier eggs. My 3 eggs were fertilized and embryos were created. Due to my first egg retrieval resulting to be unsuccessful, my fertility specialist recommended I freeze my embryos at day 3 because sometimes embryos do better in the womb than outside. Although, the whole point of doing genetic testing was to reduce my chances of a miscarriage, I went with his recommendation and I do not have regrets for that decision. When you lose as many pregnancies as I have, you listen to the Specialist’s recommendations because I already know a pregnancy is not from the Medical Doctor, children are a gift from God. When Allah wants you to have a baby and wants a baby to come into this world, nothing can stop that soul from coming. There is no guarantee in a pregnancy just like there is no guarantee I was going to be able to have a full-term pregnancy. I am not a pessimistic thinker, actually in fact I am the opposite. I am proud of myself for doing as much as I could do for this fertility journey and now being able to walk away from it with finding some peace. It may take me a little longer as I am getting use to life without fertility and trying to have a child.
We all have a battle to go through in this lifetime, if life was so easy in this world, is there anything to look forward to in the Hereafter? (This comes from my Islamic beliefs, everyone has different views and it’s a whole other section to go over). My religion has helped me cope with accepting the loss of a child and finding peace during difficult times. I find myself praying, listening to nasheeds, and religious prayers when I am feeling sad or I feel angry sometimes. Prayer or your conversation to your Believer is important because the sadness or the whatever feelings your going through you get some ease instead allowing things to fester inside you. Give it to your Believer or ask for peace instead of carrying the emotions.
Life is a full circle just like how fashion trends come back, so are the moments of my life. My first pregnancy I was doing so much from taking driving lessons, passing the road test, and actually studying for my LMSW exam. This time, I am studying for another exam and it just so happens it will be the same month as when I took the LMSW exam in November of 2016. I was so determined I wasn’t going to allow my miscarriage to get in the way of me passing and Alhamdulilah, I passed. This time around, I am ending the pregnancy journey and back to studying. InshAllah, I will put my focus on my exam and get back the fire that’s been dimmed for so long. I am finally motivated to practice driving (I do have a license but didn’t drive for years). I am looking forward to the future and curious how the future will look as we put this journey behind us.
Twice a year I take the time to reflect on my life and where I’m going. It’s usually July my birthday month and December before the New Year begins. As I turn 36 years old, I will be healing and be open to getting back the fire I once had. I will be easy on this body since she has been through enough and actively find peace. I am once again grateful to go through everything I have and I am fortunate to have as many blessings as I do. Many people have much dire situations or have conflicts the outside world is so unaware of. The losses I’ve gone through has been humbling along with evolving.
Thank you to all my family and my close friends who take the time to check in on me. I appreciate when you all give me the space to talk about my feelings and emotions along with carrying Amir and Aliya in your hearts too. You see, all I have to hold on to are my 2 Angels that I was fortunate to see, feel, and hear (their heartbeat). Amir and Aliya are still apart of my world, they gave me a taste of motherhood. I know society has a hard time acknowledging these types of losses, but they were my warriors and so special to me. They will forever be apart of me.
In a Blink 