During the summer of 2016, my partner and I were thinking about starting a family. We felt it was time and would be nice to have a child of our own especially since both of us were comfortable with where we were in our lives. Although we were not actively working on conceiving, we were ready for a pregnancy and hope to become parents. My partner and I have been married since December 2013 and both were working towards the crunch part of building a life together. I graduated with my Master in Social Work in September 2015 and was working towards my License Master of Social Work while maintaining a high intense well rewarding career in the world of Child Welfare with a nonprofit. My husband and I were both working hard towards learning to drive. Our road test was scheduled for the same day in October 2016.
In September 2016, I started feeling nausea, fatigue, and heartburn. No matter what I ate, I felt heartburn and unease. At that time, I was a regular at the gym and working towards a goal of training for a 5K for the midnight run in New York City at Central Park for New Years. No matter how much exercise I was doing, I was still tired, nauseous, and had weird stomach related issues. The social worker in me figured maybe I am burning out or having anxiety, it was time to schedule a doctor’s appointment and an OBGYN appointment since we are officially ready to build a family together. As a social worker, I know that when there are symptoms of physical change, it is best to first see my Primary Care Provider to make sure that the changes are not due to medical reasons versus mental health concerns. A PCP will be able to assess whether you need anything for medical purposes or need a referral for mental health concerns. I wanted to make sure my vitamins and physical health were assessed before jumping to the conclusion of having mental health concerns of possibly anxiety.
When I spoke with my PCP, we discussed my symptoms, I reassured her there is no way my husband and I are pregnant because we use protection. My doctor took my word for it and did not take a pregnancy test. She ordered a series of lab test and will give me the results later. She is overall a good PCP and was able to tell me a list of allergies I had and prescribed me medication to ease my stomach. In the meantime, my OBGYN appointment wasn’t for another 2 weeks.
Our dreams came true, prior to actually going to the OBGYN appointment, I decided to take a pregnancy test in September of 2016. I am pregnant, Whoohoo! We were super excited about our new journey. We were a couple that enjoyed new experiences and this was the next stage of our lives. Our love continued to blossom with the news of the pregnancy, my husband checked up on me throughout the day and catered to my wants and needs before bed. I adored him for this! It was our turn to explore a world less traveled, the journey of pregnancy.
My OBGYN appointment confirmed my pregnancy towards the beginning of October, 2016, a Tuesday. Based on the human chorionic gonadotropin (HCG) levels, I was 6 weeks pregnant. I had complications with my pregnancy without realizing they were complications, I was spotting throughout the weeks. I remember telling my mom that I feel fine but for some reason, I kept on spotting. I read online that spotting is normal and happens to people. Since the spotting wasn’t a lot, I didn’t worry much about it. I mentioned this information to my OBGYN, she also mentioned that it does happen. The nurse I first saw, however, told me that spotting is something very serious and if I spot it is best to call an ambulance and get it checked right away.
After the OBGYN appointment, the same week, my partner and I achieved another goal on our bucket list. We passed our road test on the first try!!!! Yay us!, a couple that works hard together can make anything happen. We were on a roll, driver’s licensed accomplished and pregnant. Now, we know it is best to wait until you are 3 months pregnant before announcing you’re pregnancy, however, we couldn’t wait. We were too excited to start our lives and knew we will need support from my family. My close family members were told about the pregnancy including my husband’s immediate family members. Sunday, of the same week, I all of sudden felt less pregnant, I thought it was strange my nausea subsided. I went to the restroom to pee, to my surprise I saw period like spotting and thought I got my period, a second after I realized a pregnant person is not suppose to get period like spotting.
We went to the emergency room, waited for hours. They did a vaginal ultrasound, the technician was very sweet as she asked what brought me here and I told her its my first pregnancy with excitement but realize I’m spotting. She told me that it is normal for some woman to have spotting, I asked her if she would show me the baby. She covered the screen and looked worried. She told me she would not be able to discuss the scan with me since she was not a doctor. I had to wait a few more hours for a doctor to tell me the results of my scan and of course blood work was taken. The doctor or resident came to my husband and I, my baby had no fetal heartbeat. The blood report shows a decline of HCG hormones, and I have a UTI I will need to take antibiotics. As she was breaking the news to my husband and I, I remember working hard to keep a strong face, masking all my emotions to take this bad news like a “pro,” whatever that means. I felt the doctor was trying to provoke an emotion out of me by going deep into telling me that I am having a miscarriage and giving me the eyes that were trying to break my composure. My composure broke when my husband rubbed my back when the news was delivered to me, that’s what ended my composure and down came the uncontrollable sobbing. I know crying is okay, but I don’t like to show my tears or emotions of sadness. At that moment, a realization came to me, my husband rubbing my back wasn’t for me, it was his way of dealing with the pain of losing our pregnancy. I am an empathetic person, so I felt his sadness through that touch. Once the tears came, they didn’t stop. They continued through the cab ride home and stayed all throughout the night.
In a Blink 