I considered myself to be a practical and realistic person. While I had spotting throughout my pregnancy, I pretty much told myself there could be a chance of a miscarriage. After all, I work in a heavily stress induced environment and some days I’m on my feet for 3 to 8 miles a day. I read miscarriages are common, especially for women who are first time pregnant. What I didn’t realize is even if I wasn’t very far along, I wasn’t aware how many changes my body would go through and had no one to inform me of these new changes. No one told me how long I would be spotting/miscarrying, I remember thinking okay so this would be like a period, a full 7 days went and the flow didn’t stop. I felt upset and angry every time I saw spotting and wondered when it would stop and when can I go back to normal. The normal didn’t come, losing a pregnancy, losing a baby stays with you. My miscarriage stayed with me and it changed me. I remember feeling tired and wanting to be alone. I couldn’t see myself working and interacting with people, how can I help others when I’m in so much emotional pain? No one told me how fatigue and spaced out a person can be after they lose a pregnancy, women are expected to bounce back and continue to go to work while they grieve and miscarry their child. I was very fortunate that I had let my supervisor know of my pregnancy, as soon as I told her, a couple days later I had to inform her of miscarrying. My agency gave me the time needed to heal the loss, however, many companies will not acknowledge the loss or give people the time to take off. Sometimes a doctor’s note would help with getting the time off, however be aware, when I went to the emergency room, medically I was considered fine to go back to work. They would not give a letter to excuse me for a few days. The bleeding is heavy, women should be given a few days, especially when they are heavily bleeding. My bleeding had me sleeping, thank goodness my husband was in tuned with me, he arrived home early as if sensing I wasn’t doing well and took care of me. I was weak on the days I had heavy bleeding, I couldn’t imagine being at work. I don’t remember feeling physical pain, I remember feeling achy and sleepy. The thing about miscarrying naturally, you don’t just bleed at once. It started off slow and increased 3 days later for me. For the women who had to work while miscarrying, you guys are extra special and just know you are amazing! We are strong women whether we went to work or took the days off, its time to uplift and support one another!
I am very fortunate and count my blessings I worked in an environment with strong women as my Supervisor, Program Director, and Operations Director. I was very hard on myself and tried to bounce back to normal, I just didn’t understand that there was a new normal emerging and my old self was gone. I guess you can say I fell into a depression soon after losing my first pregnancy. My body or mind had difficulty with acting like nothing happened, I tried to minimize my pregnancy loss. I know there are women much stronger and are able to talk about their loss or even keep the loss repressed, for me the emotional pain was so much that I couldn’t hide my loss. I tried to be the bulldog strong person that I am and when I did this, I would have outbursts of tears.
I was only 6 weeks pregnant and was scheduled for an ultrasound to see the fetal heartbeat, I wasn’t able to get there due to miscarrying already. At the time I blamed my self, my job, and just wanted answers on why this happened. I allowed other people’s thoughts of blaming me for not being more careful further sink in. I fought with my loved ones and explained that yes, I was working out but doctors say that shouldn’t be a factor. I didn’t realize this miscarriage will actually effect me for the rest of my life because it is now apart of my medical history. I was in denial of the significance of the loss when my heart, mind, and soul deceived me by breaking my composure and burst into tears when I went to follow up with my blood work to the hospital to check the status of the HCG levels or when I had a meeting with my Supervisor and Director.
I learned what post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) meant by going through this loss, which was different from reading the text version. I had dreams where people comforted me and I had dreams going through the loss. I didn’t realize what a trigger was until I became upset and would start crying when things that were common and normal before now made me sad. An example of a trigger would be, normally, when people would ask me when my husband and I were planning on having a child, I would happily tell them when God wants us too! Plus we are young and its time for us to enjoy our time together. This changed after my first pregnancy loss, the first time someone asked me when am I planning on having a child, I remember feeling sad and crying after I gathered the strength to tell the person asking me that my husband and I were pregnant and I just went through a miscarriage. I had my miscarriage in October, this was Thanksgiving, it didn’t occur to me that my miscarriage was only a month ago. By going through this first shock, that wow, I had a miscarriage and questions people ask me about my personal life may cause me to have different reactions took me a moment to comprehend. I realize I would have to be prepared emotionally to deal with these personal questions ahead of time. Every person is different, I have a difficult time with people seeing my vulnerability, meaning my tears. I know its okay to cry and crying is a very good release, with my miscarriage I had no control of my tears. The more I fought to keep them back the more they came like a water fountain.
When you first have a miscarriage, every women has their own experiences. For me, my periods changed, I felt pregnancy symptoms more when I am ovulating. My sense of smell, nausea, and flow amounts changed. One of my triggers was whenever I did have my period, I remember feeling sad or disappointed to not be pregnant and an increase of cramps that reminded me of going through a miscarriage. There were other different triggers, such as being asked when my partner and I are going to have a baby or I see myself preparing myself emotionally during family/friend gatherings. I had a difficult time sometimes seeing other pregnant women around me because it made me remember my loss and hopes of taking care of a child. I didn’t lose all hope, just because a person has a miscarriage the first time, doesn’t mean they’ll have a miscarriage for the second pregnancy. There of course is a higher chance that my next pregnancy will go smoothly!
In a Blink 